Two months. Three children. True story .

(Eden taking picture of me as I take an extra long time to look at potatoes for dinner)

   The only thing this post could be about is how incredibly tired I am. But lets face it, all of us are tired. I started being tired back in high school.  And no, it wasn't mono. 

Its the compilation of life. The more life you pack into your days, the more tired you become.  Ironically the less life you have also equals, more tired.

Anyway, like the title says, I have been a parent of three children for two months now.

(The baby is to Edens left)

Consequentially there are so many things I can say about my days (and nights). The temptation is there for me to be cliche and discuss the woes of parenting. Also discuss the double woes of being a mother to multiple children under 5, and the triple woes of staying home to care for them.
But I won't. Or at least I will try not to.

Also I am not going to get gushy and mushy about how wonderful my kids are and how great my life is. Because while I won't dispute the awesomeness that are my children and the joy I have stepping through my daily life, I won't. Or at least I'd like to say something a little more.

I feel tremendous amounts of pressure as a mom. Self inflicted and culturally speaking. And the truth is, I have come to realize, I project that onto my kids.  Like somehow they control my life and are having huge unrealistic expectations of me. Which come on babies i'm only human!
No but really its me not them. Having three is difficult. It is also rewarding.
The best way for me to explain how I feel is through a metaphor :

Okay so say you are learning to juggle. You begin by throwing one ball up and then catching it. Not too bad, but you had to shift your weight to get under the ball to catch it, which is a little heavier than expected. So you practice until you can throw it up and it return with accuracy.

Now that you feel pretty confidant with one you decide to move forward and add a second ball. your focus is split and the second ball is a little sticky so it feels weird when it leaves your hand. You make the needed adjustments. Maybe you widen your stance or change your wrist motion. But after a while you can throw both balls up at the same time and have them caught at the right time.

Then you add a third ball and things get even trickier. There is very little time between catch and release and on top of it all, the third ball is a little smaller so it takes slightly more concentration to catch. Plus one ball is always out of your reach at all times. However with enough hope, sweat and determination you learn to juggle all three balls simultaneously.

The important thing when tying that into parenting three kids is this, the jugglers biggest discipline is them self. How they change and learn as each ball is added, how they focus, and how they move regarding each balls specific nature.

As parents we don't change who our children are. But our choices will effect their position and starting point in life. Lets be real.

Our choices matter. Our choices do create consequences for those around us. Our choices reflect whats in Our hearts. And chances are we are lying to ourselves everyday about all three of those things not meaning quite as much as they do.

 In addition, our children are paying attention; So closely even, that they see themselves through our choices.

The sooner we own the responsibility we have over choices and their outcomes, the better. 

 Which means if anyone has to make changes its me (us), not the kids. And if i'm honest that is what makes being a mom so hard!  If I am going to be a better mom and person I have to stop lying to myself about my choices. And I have to focus more on the task at hand, and how I choose to feel about it.

For example yesterday Deacon peed in all four outfits he was put in and once on the floor. There was a strong temptation to feel like he was against me and the flow of my day. I got very cross with him. The reality is he was having a bad day and he just wasn't up to the task of monitoring his own bladder, it wasn't personal.  He is just two.

Today, however, is a new day and so far Deacon has had no "accidents". Thats nice.

When he got home from school today, he was hangry (angry from hunger) he wouldn't eat. Right there in that moment I could have made any number of choices to try and incite the action I wanted from him. This is one of those path deciding moments in a day. How I react to him in that moment could send him further into hysterics or help him get a balanced meal.

No pressure.

Well I had no clever ideas and I'm tired like I said, so I sat down on his little chair and put him in my lap. I half heartedly offered him a bite of his sandwich, which he refused with tears and frustration. So I took a bite and just sat there holding him and the sandwich. And you know what?  Eventually ( 3 minutes later) I asked again, added some spaceship noises, he forgot his conviction and took a bite. And then another bite until he finished it with a smile on his face. After lunch he played by himself for a while and some with his sister. I had a little time to eat lunch myself and periodically write this blog, feed the baby, explain to Eden for the tenth time why she didn't need anymore "treats".
                   
This happened.......

 ($10 foundation is not for finger painting the closet)

Turns out, what he really needed is what most of us need. Someone just to sit there with us in our vulnerable moments and perhaps gently encourage us to eat something.

What I need, and Eden can attest to it, is new make up.

One ball up...One ball down. We'll try it again tomorrow.

The best four years

   

    The last four years as a parent has been quite an adventure! God is the giver of good gifts, and James and I have been given many.
   When Eden came into existence, she burst into our lives like sun through the rain clouds. I am amazed every week that we were given the responsibility to raise such a brilliantly bold and perfectly caring soul.
I remember my mom telling be while I was still pregnant with Eden, about a dream she had. In it I was holding Eden and she had a head of golden curls, that seemed to glow. Of course when Eden was born she had, almost not there, mousy brown hair. But time proved my moms dream prophetic, because eden does in fact radiate with life and her blonde curls are a point of interest every where we go.
She makes each day not always easy but certainly interesting! James and I are honored to be her parents, and look forward to what new adventures she will be taking us on in the next year (and probably for the rest of our lives).

Happy Birthday Eden!

Esa McNeily

           There is so much I can say about the journey that James and I have been on the last 9 months. More specifically the journey little Esa (pronounced Eh-Sa with a short e sound) and I have been on the last 5 months. Actually my pregnancy with her was for the most part easy as far as pregnancies go. I did have to take the "17-P" shot starting weekly at the 20th week of gestation. Those were a pain (literally) but I was blessed by very helpful friends and family that made working those into my weekly schedule possible.

        It's hard to explain how, but during pregnancy you start to get a feeling for your child's personality.

  Eden (my first) was always moving and her heart rate was alway fast, I felt kicks very early in my pregnancy with her. It was like she was saying "here I am, Im ready for this!". And she has been that way since the day she was born, when she held her head up and looked around a few hours after delivery.

  With Deacon, he seemed a little bit calmer. When I first felt him move he didn't move a lot but his movements were strong and he would roll over like he was trying to get comfortable. Even through all the drama of preterm labor at 28 weeks with him, he never seemed bothered. his heart rate was always good and he moved around like he wasn't going anywhere. And he didn't. When he was born he ate so much, and wanted to sleep right next to his mommy and daddy all night (and sometimes still tries).

      Now Esa she has been surprising for me. Almost like the Lord kept her a secret. We intentionally "tried" to get pregnant with her brother and sister, but not with her. She caught us off guard. And even after a few months I thought for sure she was going to be a boy, but she surprised us again. During my pregnancy I couldn't tell much about her other than she didn't move much at all. Which was a source of drama, me sobbing calling the midwife, James trying to comfort me ( my good friend Caimbrin trying to lovingly calm me down via txt). And before you think I'm exaggerating, towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sent to the hospital to be monitored twice because this girl just likes to chill all day :). 

 James and I couldn't come up with a name either nothing seemed to click. The only thing I could tell was that she needed a soft name. Finally we decided on McNeily (which is a family name on James side) and  after some research we found "Esa" which is the Finnish version of Isaiah. Her name means "God is my passionate salvation". 

November was a very difficult month for us. Not only did the Dr. at 36 weeks tell me I could have a baby any day (and waiting any day for 4 weeks). Each week someone was sick usually both kids. both had colds then ear infections. Deacon caught pneumonia and after both kids were on antibiotics and recovering pretty well we were hit with a stomach bug. I was the last one to get it, and ended up back in the hospital for dehydration and painful contractions. I was ordered onto bed rest due to Esa measuring so small under the 10 percentile for babies at 38 weeks. After a week and her only gaining 2 ounces they decided just to induce labor. That was Monday the 26th of November. She was born at 6:26pm and weighed in at 6lb 5.9 ounces (basically 6 o.) almost a lb heavier than they were saying Praise the Lord!

She is a very smiley, sweet baby! She likes to eat and she likes to sleep. And her big sister and big brother still want to see her first thing in the morning and right before they head off to bed. Even though its only been 5 days i'd say she fits right in.

Here are some more mommy and baby photo session pictures!