Two months. Three children. True story .

(Eden taking picture of me as I take an extra long time to look at potatoes for dinner)

   The only thing this post could be about is how incredibly tired I am. But lets face it, all of us are tired. I started being tired back in high school.  And no, it wasn't mono. 

Its the compilation of life. The more life you pack into your days, the more tired you become.  Ironically the less life you have also equals, more tired.

Anyway, like the title says, I have been a parent of three children for two months now.

(The baby is to Edens left)

Consequentially there are so many things I can say about my days (and nights). The temptation is there for me to be cliche and discuss the woes of parenting. Also discuss the double woes of being a mother to multiple children under 5, and the triple woes of staying home to care for them.
But I won't. Or at least I will try not to.

Also I am not going to get gushy and mushy about how wonderful my kids are and how great my life is. Because while I won't dispute the awesomeness that are my children and the joy I have stepping through my daily life, I won't. Or at least I'd like to say something a little more.

I feel tremendous amounts of pressure as a mom. Self inflicted and culturally speaking. And the truth is, I have come to realize, I project that onto my kids.  Like somehow they control my life and are having huge unrealistic expectations of me. Which come on babies i'm only human!
No but really its me not them. Having three is difficult. It is also rewarding.
The best way for me to explain how I feel is through a metaphor :

Okay so say you are learning to juggle. You begin by throwing one ball up and then catching it. Not too bad, but you had to shift your weight to get under the ball to catch it, which is a little heavier than expected. So you practice until you can throw it up and it return with accuracy.

Now that you feel pretty confidant with one you decide to move forward and add a second ball. your focus is split and the second ball is a little sticky so it feels weird when it leaves your hand. You make the needed adjustments. Maybe you widen your stance or change your wrist motion. But after a while you can throw both balls up at the same time and have them caught at the right time.

Then you add a third ball and things get even trickier. There is very little time between catch and release and on top of it all, the third ball is a little smaller so it takes slightly more concentration to catch. Plus one ball is always out of your reach at all times. However with enough hope, sweat and determination you learn to juggle all three balls simultaneously.

The important thing when tying that into parenting three kids is this, the jugglers biggest discipline is them self. How they change and learn as each ball is added, how they focus, and how they move regarding each balls specific nature.

As parents we don't change who our children are. But our choices will effect their position and starting point in life. Lets be real.

Our choices matter. Our choices do create consequences for those around us. Our choices reflect whats in Our hearts. And chances are we are lying to ourselves everyday about all three of those things not meaning quite as much as they do.

 In addition, our children are paying attention; So closely even, that they see themselves through our choices.

The sooner we own the responsibility we have over choices and their outcomes, the better. 

 Which means if anyone has to make changes its me (us), not the kids. And if i'm honest that is what makes being a mom so hard!  If I am going to be a better mom and person I have to stop lying to myself about my choices. And I have to focus more on the task at hand, and how I choose to feel about it.

For example yesterday Deacon peed in all four outfits he was put in and once on the floor. There was a strong temptation to feel like he was against me and the flow of my day. I got very cross with him. The reality is he was having a bad day and he just wasn't up to the task of monitoring his own bladder, it wasn't personal.  He is just two.

Today, however, is a new day and so far Deacon has had no "accidents". Thats nice.

When he got home from school today, he was hangry (angry from hunger) he wouldn't eat. Right there in that moment I could have made any number of choices to try and incite the action I wanted from him. This is one of those path deciding moments in a day. How I react to him in that moment could send him further into hysterics or help him get a balanced meal.

No pressure.

Well I had no clever ideas and I'm tired like I said, so I sat down on his little chair and put him in my lap. I half heartedly offered him a bite of his sandwich, which he refused with tears and frustration. So I took a bite and just sat there holding him and the sandwich. And you know what?  Eventually ( 3 minutes later) I asked again, added some spaceship noises, he forgot his conviction and took a bite. And then another bite until he finished it with a smile on his face. After lunch he played by himself for a while and some with his sister. I had a little time to eat lunch myself and periodically write this blog, feed the baby, explain to Eden for the tenth time why she didn't need anymore "treats".
                   
This happened.......

 ($10 foundation is not for finger painting the closet)

Turns out, what he really needed is what most of us need. Someone just to sit there with us in our vulnerable moments and perhaps gently encourage us to eat something.

What I need, and Eden can attest to it, is new make up.

One ball up...One ball down. We'll try it again tomorrow.

The best four years

   

    The last four years as a parent has been quite an adventure! God is the giver of good gifts, and James and I have been given many.
   When Eden came into existence, she burst into our lives like sun through the rain clouds. I am amazed every week that we were given the responsibility to raise such a brilliantly bold and perfectly caring soul.
I remember my mom telling be while I was still pregnant with Eden, about a dream she had. In it I was holding Eden and she had a head of golden curls, that seemed to glow. Of course when Eden was born she had, almost not there, mousy brown hair. But time proved my moms dream prophetic, because eden does in fact radiate with life and her blonde curls are a point of interest every where we go.
She makes each day not always easy but certainly interesting! James and I are honored to be her parents, and look forward to what new adventures she will be taking us on in the next year (and probably for the rest of our lives).

Happy Birthday Eden!

Esa McNeily

           There is so much I can say about the journey that James and I have been on the last 9 months. More specifically the journey little Esa (pronounced Eh-Sa with a short e sound) and I have been on the last 5 months. Actually my pregnancy with her was for the most part easy as far as pregnancies go. I did have to take the "17-P" shot starting weekly at the 20th week of gestation. Those were a pain (literally) but I was blessed by very helpful friends and family that made working those into my weekly schedule possible.

        It's hard to explain how, but during pregnancy you start to get a feeling for your child's personality.

  Eden (my first) was always moving and her heart rate was alway fast, I felt kicks very early in my pregnancy with her. It was like she was saying "here I am, Im ready for this!". And she has been that way since the day she was born, when she held her head up and looked around a few hours after delivery.

  With Deacon, he seemed a little bit calmer. When I first felt him move he didn't move a lot but his movements were strong and he would roll over like he was trying to get comfortable. Even through all the drama of preterm labor at 28 weeks with him, he never seemed bothered. his heart rate was always good and he moved around like he wasn't going anywhere. And he didn't. When he was born he ate so much, and wanted to sleep right next to his mommy and daddy all night (and sometimes still tries).

      Now Esa she has been surprising for me. Almost like the Lord kept her a secret. We intentionally "tried" to get pregnant with her brother and sister, but not with her. She caught us off guard. And even after a few months I thought for sure she was going to be a boy, but she surprised us again. During my pregnancy I couldn't tell much about her other than she didn't move much at all. Which was a source of drama, me sobbing calling the midwife, James trying to comfort me ( my good friend Caimbrin trying to lovingly calm me down via txt). And before you think I'm exaggerating, towards the end of my pregnancy, I was sent to the hospital to be monitored twice because this girl just likes to chill all day :). 

 James and I couldn't come up with a name either nothing seemed to click. The only thing I could tell was that she needed a soft name. Finally we decided on McNeily (which is a family name on James side) and  after some research we found "Esa" which is the Finnish version of Isaiah. Her name means "God is my passionate salvation". 

November was a very difficult month for us. Not only did the Dr. at 36 weeks tell me I could have a baby any day (and waiting any day for 4 weeks). Each week someone was sick usually both kids. both had colds then ear infections. Deacon caught pneumonia and after both kids were on antibiotics and recovering pretty well we were hit with a stomach bug. I was the last one to get it, and ended up back in the hospital for dehydration and painful contractions. I was ordered onto bed rest due to Esa measuring so small under the 10 percentile for babies at 38 weeks. After a week and her only gaining 2 ounces they decided just to induce labor. That was Monday the 26th of November. She was born at 6:26pm and weighed in at 6lb 5.9 ounces (basically 6 o.) almost a lb heavier than they were saying Praise the Lord!

She is a very smiley, sweet baby! She likes to eat and she likes to sleep. And her big sister and big brother still want to see her first thing in the morning and right before they head off to bed. Even though its only been 5 days i'd say she fits right in.

Here are some more mommy and baby photo session pictures!

         

A servant Jehovah remembers.

Deacon Zachariah is turning two. 

So happy and thankful about my little man. I won't lie tho, its tough saying goodbye to age one. What a special year! I know this two will be just as wonderful, and by his next birthday i'll be saying the same thing. Here is a little video recapping this past year.

The Journey Home Part 1.

As seen on a previous post, this is the front door look at the new house.

God is so good. Amen!? I don't even no where to begin when describing all the answered prayers I have, especially when it comes to this house. But i'll give it a shot, because its a story worth telling.

About three and a half years ago James and I started house hunting, looking for the perfect fit. Our first home had to be a place perfect for hosting and growing. We prayed the Lord would send us the right home. Here are some things we prayed for : A place we could add our own flare to, but had character on its own. Hardwood floors, an open living area, spacious kitchen with white cabinets, an area for my art, enough rooms for guests and children, a large back yard (fenced in), a master bedroom with a private bath and it had to be in a good neighborhood with a good school district. Oh yeah and it had to be under $120,000.

Well as you can imagine we didn't have much luck and as time moved we also didn't have the means. After our first attempt to buy a house we thought was perfect and that falling through, we lost our first baby. We moved in with my dad (with all our stuff packed into two rooms). And James struggled to find work to pay all our bills. Needless to say, our faith was really put to the test. But there are many blessings that come from a storm. A few months later we found out we were pregnant again, and we named our baby Eden Isabelle ( A delightful pledge to God). Because gosh darn it we were going to find delight in all the good regardless. When Eden was around 6 months, we moved out of my Dads and into a rental house. 

I still have fond memories of the rental we had in Cayce.  However, safe wasn't completely accurate and combined with regularly broken toilet and bad electrical it left some to be desired. I never had to file police reports till we lived there; Although I can't say i'll miss the furniture that was stollen. On the other hand we made good friends and experienced a lot of emotional and spiritual growth. When I became pregnant with Deacon, and eventually was put on bedrest, we moved back to my dads. At that point we all but gave up on becoming home owners. And all our prayers for James to get a better job went unanswered. Our faith was being expanded again.

All the while I daydreamed like many women when I got a PotteryBarn catalog or watched HGTV. I knew the hope of living in my own home was far off, but I couldn't wait to have a place to fellowship and raise my family. James and I trusted that the Lord knew our hearts so we chose to be content in the place he had us by leaning on His guidance and His (what we like to call) character building moments.

About nine months after Deacon was born ( his name means "a servant God remembers"); God opened up the door for James to serve in ministry again. And then a few months after that He blessed us by providing James with a new higher paying position at Blue Cross. Wow!

So to shorten my already long story, I always kept my eyes peeled for new real estate in our area.  And one day (about 6 months later) I came across a house that just seemed perfect. So I told James it was time to start our house hunt again. We contacted our wonderful Realtor, Anne Bagnal, and slowly dipped our toes in the water so to speak. While the house that got me looking again turned out to be a bust, the Lord was indeed preparing a place for us. Quite literally. 

At the beginning of this year the previous owners of what is now our home had agreed to sell it to someone else. For three months they made repairs ( new roof, new electrical, AC, termite extermination/repair and a few more things). Well the first buyer ended up not getting the loan he was promised and so the house was placed back up for sale just over our limit. Our relator being the smart woman she is suggested the house even though it was out of our price range and a little small. When we walked in I just knew it was right. So after everything was all said and done we paid under $120,000 with an amazing interest rate. And that check list we made 3 years ago, well all those things have been checked off (besides the master bathroom part, maybe one day). And while we don't live with my father anymore, he (and the rest of our family) have transformed this house into a beauty that could be showcased in any of those shows or magazines I spent so much time on.

Jesus is such a good friend. He heard our prayers, was patient when we complained, and lovingly provided even still. 

So here are some of the before and after shots. It is really amazing!

Kitchen before.

 (can you believe these beautiful floors were underneath that ugly linoleum )

Kitchen now.

Dining room before.

Dinning room After.

 Entry way/ Living room during demo.

looking out towards the living room.

 After!

I hope this is encouraging to you. Giving your dreams and hopes to the Lord is sometimes scary, but He won't let you down. I can promise the outcome won't happen in the time frame or in the way you think, but when its in Gods timing its way better.

P.S. More before and after shots to come. I still have to finish the guest/nursery and the Master bedroom, but here are a few sneak peaks of the other two rooms.

 Art/office/playroom

  My "hanging art gallery" I picked up from Pinterest :)

Also D apparently thought he was being really funny.

Eden and Deacons pad. Eden wanted 5 trees in her room.

 Deacon had no special requests, but I did put his toys in 

play bins that would be harder for him to dump out.

I love this Ikea cabinet....And house!

Praise God!

What a hateful, racist, philandering, chauvinist, bitter old man taught me about Love.

I have been struggling with a mix of anxiety/stress for several reasons.

One, i'm pregnant with my third child so stress/anxiety is a prerequisite. Two, financially after buying our first home remodeling and having my three year old go through three surgeries with pending bills we are stretched thin (did i mention we can't fit three car seats in my car with a baby due in november). Lastly, the status of the world and my family's place in it causes me some anxiety. Im not saying my life is ruled by these emotions, but they do occur daily even if for a moment.

Now what does this have to do with love and a hateful man? Well mostly I was just explaining why these thoughts were on my mind. I just have lots of thoughts on my mind. And on occasion I remember to question what the Lord is working out in my heart.

C.W. was a notorious gambler, run around, racist who hated God and most people.  He was a bad father and an even worse husband. He caused heart ache and scars on the hearts of the people he should have protected with his life. He was an abuser and a user. He was a broken man. And yet I loved him. I loved him a lot. And you know, the God he hated loved him a lot.

How do I know this? Because this verse says so, and because I saw Gods kindness towards him.

"...But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."  Luke 6:35


This teaching has always been hard to swallow right? I mean LOVE your enemies? But my enemies hate me they would be content to see me and my family stop existing! How could I possibly love them? These days we have lots of enemies. I mean we have political enemies, cultural enemies, zealous crazy sociopathic enemies in every other breaking news story!!!


Back to C.W.
At the end of his life my grandfather was still as grumpy and hateful as ever. And yet he was still taken care of generously by his daughter. She laid down her life daily for him and his ailing health. Even at the end of a life mostly wasted, God still gave him one more chance to reconcile, one more chance to let forgiveness enter his heart. And Hallelujah he accepted. Thats what real LOVE is, that is what Jesus is talking about. Romans 5:8 says that God demonstrated His love for us in that while we were still sinners Jesus died for us. The simple truth of that verse is, we are all Gods enemy because we all are ungrateful and wicked. Thats why we have to love our enemy because in doing so we are recognizing that our lives are not anymore forgivable than theirs.

Of course over the past week and a half there has been all sorts of drama about a certain business and its owners beliefs that will go nameless ( bc my brain has been over saturated by its sight) you know what im talking about. Now because im a very opinionated person, of course I have to make a few remarks on the situation and on situations like it.

There has been lots of venom filled words thrown around like; hate, bigot, fag, religious, ignorant, embarrassment and intolerant. First of all, usually the people who use these terms are as hypocritical for using them in a general sense as those they are labeling. Lots of people talk about what Jesus preached whether they are a Christian or not. Here is something Jesus said about hypocrites:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and self-indulgence..." -matthew 23:25

Now before the non-religous types get on your high horse (you had your foot in the stirrup I know you did) I think when Jesus speaks about "teachers of the law" he is talking about you too. How? Well we all have a law or "ideals" that we follow. As soon as you start voicing those things to others whether discussing or "preaching" you are teaching your law to whomever is listening. And if you are on Facebook its probably several hundred people. 


See now you are included. And that verse makes total sense right because I bet you are greedy and self-indulgent ( I know I am, I totally drink the last of the milk with my Oreos and make the kids eat oatmeal in the morning). We'd be in denial not to admit there are places in all our hearts that have anger, bitterness, addiction, gluttony, idolatry and I could go on and on. We really are all equal!


Now I'd like to address my Jesus loving friends with this verse:


“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you..."  John 15:9-12

Not much needs to be said about this other than when he says his command is to "Love each other" he speaking about believers loving other believers. 

When I hear Christians point fingers at each other or, Lord help me, say they are embarrassed to be a Christian; to me thats like the hand slapping the face for having a cold. Why do we need to shame ourselves when we are already sick. Yes we hold each other accountable, but more than that we are there for each other. 

When we are there for our brothers and sisters, that looks more like the hand giving the face an antihistamine and some orange juice. Why are we commenting on each others status and not really being the family or "church" that we are supposed to be. Why not be like "hey friend I see you are going through some intense emotions I was wondering if you wanted to grab some coffee or maybe I could pray for you over whats burdening your heart" not "OMG! The world thinks Christians are ignorant idiots, I really don't want to be thought of like that, I will distance myself." 

I've been there so this finger is pointing at me as well. Funny enough Jesus also talks about that feeling too.

 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. ¹⁹ If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. ²⁰ Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’^[b] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. ²¹ They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me." John 15:18-21


If you are one of my friends and don't love Jesus, and you have these emotions towards me or my family or church folks in general; that's okay. I fail in my love of Jesus, but thats why I choose Christ and His Gospel because I know I lack. 

He loved us all while we were his enemies and he laid down his life so that we could live ours to the fullest. And fullest means full of fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) and full of fellowship with each other. 

If we are living our life to the fullest for Jesus then the world will benefit...No matter what kind of sandwich we eat. 

become an expert on parenting....

In the very little time I have been a mother,  I have learned more about myself than I have about parenting. But of the things I can pass along at this juncture, one would be to become an expert on parenting YOUR OWN children. Now that sounds a little snarky, but my point is, every child is different. Luckily you only have to be parents to your own (this includes any children you have legal custodial rights too). So get to know them very well.

 James and I have sole responsibility for our children and both have specific physical and emotional needs.
Obviously I can read what other people think is best for my children. There is always an endless supply of knowledge waiting to be devoured and applied. Some of this info is helpful. Truthfully, most hasn't helped me, only caused me guilt and anxiety. I think it is important to be well informed. But i think it is important to also be honest and realistic when it comes to parenting.
  For me, realistically I knew I couldn't be a full time mom and pay for an art school education. I can have both but at different times. I chose motherhood first because I've always liked the idea of being a young mom ( Also the idea of only being 45 when my kids are grown gets me excited about planning a long european vacation). That aside here I am, two toddlers with a baby on the way! wow, i was serious. Poor James, he gets overwhelmed with all my logistical planning( if i have a baby now when i'm 45 i'll travel around Europe). Anyway back to being honest and realistic.
Honestly, parenting is difficult. Why? Well because existing in a household with different people is difficult, and children are little people. Little people with big demands. And sacrifice is difficult. Your children will need you to make sacrifices. For example I have sacrificed today--- sleep, eating all of my breakfast while it was warm, my interests, my time,  a shower, clean hands, clean clothes etc... you get the point. Doing this daily can be like sand paper to your brain, especially if you have high expectations.
So it brings me back to my original point, becoming an expert on your own children. Sometimes you have to lower your expectations for your child to where they are. For example, Deacon is hitting his milestones behind what his sister was doing at this point. There are a few reason for this, one he is a boy (thats right girls are smarter ;) lol). Two he was early, so his brain is actually still developing at its appropriate rate if we keep with his original due date. And three, unlike his sister, deacon isn't on the fast track to independence and ruling the world. When the doctor says he may need speech therapy i don't panic because from what i know it might take him a month longer than his peers. Also deacon likes just taking it all in before he commits. He is going to talk, but for now he is a guy of action and few words. I know this from observation and interaction. This part of parenting is fun and exciting. Sometimes i feel like a scientist, and some days I feel like a janitor. But all the time I spend with them is an opportunity to get to know them and learn.


Hopefully in the future right before I leave for Europe, Eden will say, "mom bring me something back from your travels!" and I'll know exactly what to get her. And Deacon will give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and say "later!" and i'll know that means, "you and dad have fun, don't forget us, bring me back a cool medieval sword"....


Im sure I will never write a book on how to become the best parent, but if im lucky my kids will be able to say I was the best parent for them!

Exciting News here!!

SO we have exciting news to tell everyone!!
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 WE are buying our first home!! ( i bet you thought i was going to say pregnant)
Finally after five years married we are getting our own place. And of course its a fixer-upper. But its right in the heart of Rosewood!

 

- This is a pretty view of some parts of the neighborhood. It will be great for morning walks.

 And this is the house! Isn't it adorable. I say adorable because it is rather small at 1200+ sqft.

I'm looking forward to throwing a welcome home party! Not sure if thats actually proper but it will be fun for sure. Also don't be surprised if we rope you into a " help the Clontses fix up their yard day".

I won't lie the Kitchen is an eye sore, and renovations will be required, ( although james did say something about living without appliances...hmm) However we are looking forward to seeing this space turn into something lovely.

Isn't this wall paper fabulous, lemon baskets, fancy! OOOh did I mention how retro the GREEN floor is!! yikes.

The bathroom will have to stay outdated for a little while, considering the kitchen is a bit more important. However i will be very ready to get rid of the fake wood toilet seat. 

Oh yeah and one more thing before this post is over.....

This is Clonts baby #3 due december 3rd!!!

Wow what a year this is shaping up to be :D

Random Ramblings about marriage and running.

Marriage isn't easy. Even when you are in a marriage with someone you love dearly and consider your best friend. It keeps you in a place of mental yoga. Or at least it does for me. Sometimes unreasonable expectations cause frustration. On the other hand sometimes reasonable expectations being unmet, causes frustration.

So here James and I are, moving our way through the dredges and joys of daily life. Five years this coming June, five years married that is. And I have to say the proudest five years of my life. Even so, we feel like we are running a race sometimes, like the writer talks about in Hebrews :

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."

I think the farthest I have run is 5 miles, and that was when i was 16. Probably in the middle of that "jog" I decided track wasn't my thing. So I did what any reasonable person realizing there limits would do; I quit track. I only feel slight guilt about being a "quiter". But I do remember the thoughts and feelings I had while running:

The excitement of what would happen in the beginning. Then the enjoyment of the scenery. The companionship of the fellow runners. Maybe pass by a sprinkler and get a little thirsty, but still feel invigorated. That is until a hill comes, and it figuratively and literally goes down hill from there. Muscles begin to ache, breathing more labored and all I think about is "why in the world did I join track?" Of course I'd get to the end, finish running, and I'd feel satisfied. Actually I was so satisfied that I never went on a 5 mile jog ever again.

Marriage goes like that a little. From, "this is nice", to "why did I get married?". Sometimes I say to myself, "I was not (in shape) ready for marriage!", But really if I think about it, isn't it the running that makes me in shape? Isn't it the daily pounding of the figurative road that keeps me emotionally acute? Is anyone ever ready for what will uniquely happen in a race until they have run it? I don't know. But i do know the stakes are much higher now than they were when i was 16.

Like I said, I am proud of the last five years of married life, im proud of the race I have been running. Its not fancy or even all that great to look at most times, but its my unique race. And honestly my race (meaning my marriage or my parenting or my art career) means very little until I give it the effort of my intentional pursuit and my earnest prayer.

So i encourage my married friends and my single friends. My prayer is that we can all enjoy every moment of the good times and overcome a better person after the tough times!

Its been 4 years baby #1.

December 2008, James and I had been married 6 months and I was already pregnant! Everyone always told us it would happen fast. And I would scoff and say no we are going to make it at least a year. So when I found out I was pregnant I was bummed. I felt so silly, and my pride was trying to hide from the "told you so's" that I was inevitably going to hear. I didn't feel like I was ready at all! On the other hand James was oddly excited. So I made an OBGYN appointment, i'd go have my first look at my first child. I was very tired, but not sick. And as the weeks went by I grew more and more comfortable with the idea of becoming a mom so soon.

I felt full. I felt warm. I felt happy.

The day came. January 30th, James took off work and drove me to the Dr.'s office.

I was nervous, I had to pee in a cup, I had to answer lots of adult questions. I had to get poked with a needle. And then to my surprise they gave me an ultrasound.

The rhythmic heartbeat line was going up and down and the fuzzy sound unintelligible to my ears. But there it was, proof I was a mom, there in me was a real baby with a heartbeat and a future. Amazing. Humbling.

The nurse was a nice woman, however she looked concerned. She kept asking my dates, and then would frown. My gut turned and my shoulders tensed. Something wasn't right. I asked trying to be humorous, "well am i really pregnant then?",

"oh yes, you certainly are!... but im going to schedule you to come in next week for a follow up"

"oh okay, is everything ok?"

"sure..." but she knew. Everything was not okay.

James and I gleefully showed off our baby to everyone. I remember sitting in his lap and looking at the picture. I didn't know it would be the only one id ever get at the time.

The following week we went for the follow up (feb. 6th). The ultrasound looked different. The tech made a noise, and I knew, my baby was gone. There was nothing there. I know because I had studied the ultrasound photo. But this time nothing was the same, no little squirmy bean, and no heartbeat.

I felt light headed, and James looked a mixture of confused and worried. The nurse excused herself, I looked at James and we just nodded to each other, our smiles were replaced with placid pale expressions. The nurse came back and confirmed it. We had lost our baby. The doctor reconfirmed it. Because I wasn't bleeding or cramping the Dr. was concerned my body might not do what it needed to, so she suggested a list of things I was to foggy to think on. I managed to hold back the tears until we made it to the car. James took me home. And he held me when I fell apart. God bless him. And he fell apart by himself while I slept. God love him.

We went to the hospital the next day (feb. 7).

N: "Have you ever been pregnant?" M: "yes..." N: "how many pregnancies have you carried full term?" M:"....none."

The loneliness you feel after a miscarriage is very acute. I think its because that full warm feeling you had is completely gone. I couldn't touch my stomach without wanting to weep. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without scowling at myself. I think I went through a lot of conflicting feelings. Sometimes I was angry because I was so sad, I knew of other women that didn't seem that bothered by their miscarriage. And then I felt ashamed because I was so sad when others had lost their babies later than me. I wasn't sure if I would heal or what id be like when I did.

Now four years after, and two healthy children and a marriage stronger than ever, I feel thankful that we went through what we did. I know thats strange. And if I heard myself say this then or even two years ago I would have been offended. Losing a child at any point in their lives is the worst heart ache on earth. And certainly not what I'm thankful for. Its more that I'm thankful that I survived it. That I came out with this new understanding of sadness and pain, that gives me an awareness of others and Jesus I never had before. It taught me that the dreams and desires of our future are not promised. But god did promise to be with us no matter what.

Three months after my miscarriage we found out we were pregnant again, and Edens due date was january 29th (a year and a day after my first ultrasound). She was born feisty and wonderful! And my heart healed up a little. And then 13 months after her birth, I was pregnant again. This time my due date was the same as my first baby's due date (sept. 30). And after pre-term labor and lots of bed rest Deacon was placed in my arms. And my heart healed up a little more.

I will never not think about my first baby from time to time. But now when I do its not with a heavy heart. I know my life and my story didn't end with baby #1's heart beat. The sun still rises every morning, and so do I (usually groggy and in need of caffeine). I know each fight I fight, and each race I run; I grow stronger and I grow wiser. I've learned to hold those I love most closer while we're together.

I don't know what other sad or heart breaking things are in my future. I know they are there. But they don't scare me the same. I still have everything to lose, true. And there is fear of the pain life brings. But in the end I want to know I lived my life full and in Christ, regardless of the pain or fear or heart ache. I don't want those things to define me, I want them to refine me by the grace of God.

So while four years doesn't seem that long ago, lots of life gets packed in. Im glad God heals my heart little by little with all the abundance of living he's brought my way. And I hope I can encourage and love other women that go through what I have been through.

D

Jesus. Family. Singing.

Baby Jesus, to be exact. It's one of my favorite parts of Eden's preschool experience, all the scripture she is taught. This Christmas she chatted about baby Jesus birthday all the time, because her teacher was telling her class about it for weeks. For one thing she loves birthdays. Talking about birthdays, singing about about birthdays, and even planning them. Being that she isn't quite three yet she is just now able to really enjoy all the festivities of the holidays. It's really great to see these realizations
From the perspective of a two year old. She has now added to her singing list. It goes as follows:
-happy birthday
- Jesus
- pretty colors
- queens/princesses
- La La (yes the sound or words r sung with lots of conviction)
Anyhow she usually sings all of those In Varying combinations. I try to get her to sing the songs she has learned at school but evidently she feels more passionate about her originals. Rightly so I guess. And this Christmas her lyrical prowess has grown, along with the need to serenade Deacon and I regularly.
So now I really get why Christmas is so fun for parents. I want to see Eden and Deacon make long lasting wonderful memories. I want their memories to be warm and happy.
This desire has increased bc i've spoken to so many people this year who loathe Christmas. Which makes me a little sad. Sometimes I feel like they say it because being sentimental isn't "cool" but anti establishment is way awesomer! Whatever. However then I talk to some that truly feel aching in there hearts when they think on Christmas. Somehow, somewhere on their journey Satan has robbed them of the precious experiences that give one the feeling of home and love. Their memories don't bring up emotions that cause them joy. So I just have to pray that somehow somewhere that Jesus will heal that in their hearts. That when they think back and look forward they can smile. This is such a burden on my heart for my children. I know hard times come and mark us, but I just plead with God to never let those scars and cuts and bruises hold my children back from experiencing the fullness of Christ and of life. That when Eden is belting out her thoughts she does it because the love of Jesus has inspired her heart to sing out. That when Deacon is exploring its because he is excited to discover more of God, not just running away from what he deems as boring. Well to be honest I plead those things for my life as well.
I hope that in this new year that we can all relish the holidays and that we make warm memories and most of all we can explore this world with zeal and the lyrics of praise on our lips.
Happy New Year!