Its been 4 years baby #1.

December 2008, James and I had been married 6 months and I was already pregnant! Everyone always told us it would happen fast. And I would scoff and say no we are going to make it at least a year. So when I found out I was pregnant I was bummed. I felt so silly, and my pride was trying to hide from the "told you so's" that I was inevitably going to hear. I didn't feel like I was ready at all! On the other hand James was oddly excited. So I made an OBGYN appointment, i'd go have my first look at my first child. I was very tired, but not sick. And as the weeks went by I grew more and more comfortable with the idea of becoming a mom so soon.

I felt full. I felt warm. I felt happy.

The day came. January 30th, James took off work and drove me to the Dr.'s office.

I was nervous, I had to pee in a cup, I had to answer lots of adult questions. I had to get poked with a needle. And then to my surprise they gave me an ultrasound.

The rhythmic heartbeat line was going up and down and the fuzzy sound unintelligible to my ears. But there it was, proof I was a mom, there in me was a real baby with a heartbeat and a future. Amazing. Humbling.

The nurse was a nice woman, however she looked concerned. She kept asking my dates, and then would frown. My gut turned and my shoulders tensed. Something wasn't right. I asked trying to be humorous, "well am i really pregnant then?",

"oh yes, you certainly are!... but im going to schedule you to come in next week for a follow up"

"oh okay, is everything ok?"

"sure..." but she knew. Everything was not okay.

James and I gleefully showed off our baby to everyone. I remember sitting in his lap and looking at the picture. I didn't know it would be the only one id ever get at the time.

The following week we went for the follow up (feb. 6th). The ultrasound looked different. The tech made a noise, and I knew, my baby was gone. There was nothing there. I know because I had studied the ultrasound photo. But this time nothing was the same, no little squirmy bean, and no heartbeat.

I felt light headed, and James looked a mixture of confused and worried. The nurse excused herself, I looked at James and we just nodded to each other, our smiles were replaced with placid pale expressions. The nurse came back and confirmed it. We had lost our baby. The doctor reconfirmed it. Because I wasn't bleeding or cramping the Dr. was concerned my body might not do what it needed to, so she suggested a list of things I was to foggy to think on. I managed to hold back the tears until we made it to the car. James took me home. And he held me when I fell apart. God bless him. And he fell apart by himself while I slept. God love him.

We went to the hospital the next day (feb. 7).

N: "Have you ever been pregnant?" M: "yes..." N: "how many pregnancies have you carried full term?" M:"....none."

The loneliness you feel after a miscarriage is very acute. I think its because that full warm feeling you had is completely gone. I couldn't touch my stomach without wanting to weep. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without scowling at myself. I think I went through a lot of conflicting feelings. Sometimes I was angry because I was so sad, I knew of other women that didn't seem that bothered by their miscarriage. And then I felt ashamed because I was so sad when others had lost their babies later than me. I wasn't sure if I would heal or what id be like when I did.

Now four years after, and two healthy children and a marriage stronger than ever, I feel thankful that we went through what we did. I know thats strange. And if I heard myself say this then or even two years ago I would have been offended. Losing a child at any point in their lives is the worst heart ache on earth. And certainly not what I'm thankful for. Its more that I'm thankful that I survived it. That I came out with this new understanding of sadness and pain, that gives me an awareness of others and Jesus I never had before. It taught me that the dreams and desires of our future are not promised. But god did promise to be with us no matter what.

Three months after my miscarriage we found out we were pregnant again, and Edens due date was january 29th (a year and a day after my first ultrasound). She was born feisty and wonderful! And my heart healed up a little. And then 13 months after her birth, I was pregnant again. This time my due date was the same as my first baby's due date (sept. 30). And after pre-term labor and lots of bed rest Deacon was placed in my arms. And my heart healed up a little more.

I will never not think about my first baby from time to time. But now when I do its not with a heavy heart. I know my life and my story didn't end with baby #1's heart beat. The sun still rises every morning, and so do I (usually groggy and in need of caffeine). I know each fight I fight, and each race I run; I grow stronger and I grow wiser. I've learned to hold those I love most closer while we're together.

I don't know what other sad or heart breaking things are in my future. I know they are there. But they don't scare me the same. I still have everything to lose, true. And there is fear of the pain life brings. But in the end I want to know I lived my life full and in Christ, regardless of the pain or fear or heart ache. I don't want those things to define me, I want them to refine me by the grace of God.

So while four years doesn't seem that long ago, lots of life gets packed in. Im glad God heals my heart little by little with all the abundance of living he's brought my way. And I hope I can encourage and love other women that go through what I have been through.

D